After a week of voting by both readers and writers, we’ve got the results to advance our Sweaty 16 into their championship rounds. But we’ve got words that you need to read.
What’re you waiting for?
BAC
Dread Pirate Roberts (5) vs. Fridtjof Nansen (8)
The Pirate vs. The Viking
How do you truly compare reality and fiction? Even within the world of The Princess Bride, the power that emanates from the Dread Pirate Roberts seems exaggerated and spread through story more than firsthand accounts. Yet, those who do cross paths with the mythical man end up experiencing those stories tenfold.
And what of Fridtjof Nansen? An accomplished man, yes, but not a mysterious man. In fact, the accomplishments determined his stature as a well-known scientist and philanthropist. It’s clear who would triumph in a Battle of the Mustaches, but that wasn’t the stipulation. No, we came here to determine which man was the most bad of ass.
But badassery from a legend is difficult to measure. The Dread Pirate Roberts had his successes over the years of name bequeathal, but the argument against Nansen was questionable. Downplaying a Nobel Peace Prize–one clearly earned–and declaring that Nansen one of the wealthiest turned out objectionable. There’s no doubt that many a man rightfully earned the Dread Pirate Roberts title, but there’s curiosity to his claim as Badass Conference champion.
While there were certainly other accomplishments achieved throughout the world during Fridtjof Nansen’s life, that wasn’t the objective. The Pirate came in brandishing his sword expecting many foes, but his focus should’ve been on the single 19th century Viking. Ski pole parries the sword wielded by Westley and many others.
ADVANCE
FRIDTJOF “Just try to pronounce it” NANSEN
Axe Cop (2) vs. Sub-Zero (3)
Police Brutality vs. an Ice Cold Killer
Two badasses in blue. One fights for all that is good and righteous. The other fights for his life and realm. Both Axe Cop and Sub-Zero do what they must for themselves and their people, and they occasionally seem to cross lines, but isn’t doing what must be done instead of what’s easy a strong sign of a tough customer?
Sub-Zero, whether the original or his long-standing replacement, has survived in some respect for 20 years. Even the recent reboot of Mortal Kombat destroyed the ninja incarnation of Sub-Zero and turned him into a cyborg. A ninja-turned-roboman is clearly a recipe for coolness.
Axe Cop, on the other hand, has done so much in such a short meta-existence. He’s better known for befriending ninjas, especially ones who are also doctors.
It’s relatively accepted that Stryker, a police officer, is one of the worst Mortal Kombat characters, a fact that doesn’t bode well for Axey Smartist. Unfortunately for Sub-Zero, Axe Cop doesn’t need his axe all the time. Sure, it’s his namesake and mainstay, but his power of recruitment, adaptability to elements, and general tenacity lead to a downfall for ninjakind.
Axe Cop has absorbed fire and returned the flames to bad guys before. This child’s figment isn’t about to let an ice cube slow him down.
ADVANCE
AXE “Shao Kahn’s a bad guy, and he’s next!” COP
IQA
Leonardo da Vinci (1) vs. Felicia Day (5)
The Inventor vs. The Interneter
If there was no Leonardo da Vinci, would there be an internet? How would we know? The man has been the inspiration for so many inventions, not counting the ones he succeeded and crafting, that determining what would and wouldn’t exist without his contributions is nigh impossible.
Felicia Day has done quite well for herself, to be fair. Her spread over the internet’s culture is poignant and potent. She’s carved out a fine niche for herself and folk like her.
But let’s get serious; the argument for Day was enough to surpass a fictional attorney, but her intelligence pales like her skin when it comes to da Vinci. As stated in her argument, Felicia is one of us, but da Vinci wasn’t. His genius outweighed anything you or I have accomplished. Day learned how to make culture work to her advantage. Leonardo crafted an entire culture, spanned the worlds of arts and sciences, and is the namesake of the leader of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Day should’ve geared better for this boss run. When going up against Leonardo da Vinci, it’s going to be a wipe. Sorry, my queen.
ADVANCE
LEONARDO “Can’t penetrate this double hull” DA VINCI
The Internet (2) vs. Atticus Finch (6)
World Wide Web vs. World Wide Courage
It’s true that The Internet has the potential for holding all knowledge past, present, and future. Hell, it was stated in the argument that Atticus Finch was studied through the internet for this competition.
Atticus, on the other hand, has learned to combine his solid intellect with an understanding of right and wrong. Creatures of massive genius often do what they wish with it, whether for good or evil, but Atticus wielded what he had for righteous ways.
While this conference was based in the intelligence of its competitors, the argument led to the wisdom that stems from each. The internet is a powerful beast, but Atticus was spot on with his declaration that the internet’s potential for good is often swamped by its use for idiocy and wrong. When you think of the internet, your mind often wanders to the awful comments, the memes, and the inane websites that populate it. Atticus Finch, with all his insight, knew that his time with Tom Robinson was going to be a trial in every sense of the word, but his facts and insight were true. Unfortunately, they were overwhelmed by bigotry and bias.
Not this time. In a world of the internet’s crimes, Atticus has finally won.
ADVANCE
ATTICUS “Courage is not a man with a mouse in his hand” FINCH
EVL
Commodus (4) vs. Man/The Most Dangerous Game (1)
Absolute Power vs. Absolute Chaos
Commodus, at his core, is a petulant coward. Man, at our core, is just the same. Both fear shame, ridicule, traps, and death.
This was a battle for evil. Both contestants had showcased it, but who truly darkened?
Again, this certain fight came down to what man does with cowardice. While Commodus had a good life, his dreams were being threatened. He resorted to the murder of innocents and the resurrection of brutal sports to revive his waning power. Most men would accept their fate and realize that their good will would continue. Commodus, whose main problems were not being able to sleep with his sister and having his fans occasionally boo him, stabbed a restrained man in the lung.
Contrarily, Game’s Man was fighting for his life. He was on the other side of Commodus and his gladiatorial games. This was sport for the hunter, but Man was the hunted. The scope became too large, so the focus on Man as the hunted showcased a being who would do anything to survive. Wouldn’t anyone? But, as we’ve seen in past and future battles, potential does not equate to damage done.
Man as the losing gladiator. Commodus doesn’t even need to rise from his seat.
ADVANCE
LUCIUS “What does Jaime Lannister have that I don’t?” COMMODUS
Nuclear Bombs (2) vs. Genghis Khan (3)
Man-made Destruction vs. Natural Tyranny
Body count. Genghis Khan has the extreme edge, but one wonders if Nuclear Bombs would’ve hit 40 million or have surpassed the tyrant’s destruction. Perhaps it was the mercy of the USA at the time, but I hope we never find out.
Genghis has a whole slew of evil deeds attached to him. If I’ve learned anything from Law and Order: SVU, it’s that sex crimes are extremely heinous. Then again, Khan followed no rule but his own, so perhaps he was breaking no law by siring scores of bastard children. As argued, even his killing was eventually done for fear and pure bloodlust.
Nukes are no stranger to today’s citizens. At this very moment, people wonder and sit wary with North Korea’s wildeyed Kim Jong Un threatening nuclear warfare. Even though analysts have stated that N. Korea doesn’t have the technological capabilities to launch nuclear warheads at the moment, that still doesn’t change the average citizen ducking under a table akin to the 1950s and 60s.
Perhaps it’s the recent threat of destruction that has brought back that Cold War feeling, albeit with a dictator that seems more off the handle than anything the Soviet could throw at us, but not even Khan’s past crimes seem to compare to the potential for a nuclear war within days or minutes. Genghis is too stubborn to get out of the way as the nuke whistles through the air.
ADVANCE
NUCLEAR “Tick Tick Boom” BOMBS
DNF
3D Movies (1) vs. Tony Montana (5)
Faltering Tech vs. Floundering Criminal
At 43 and with several Academy Award nominations under his belt (but no win yet), Al Pacino seemed like he could do no wrong. Even Scarface, a tale of torrential drugs and backstabbing…er, shooting…isn’t horrid. Tony Montana is just a man with exquisite tastes in material items and material women. He knows what he wants. He’s going to get what he wants.
The only relation 3D Movies has with coke is the absurd price of a large soda at the concession stand. Besides that, there are some who vouch for the viability of the technology. When you hear about 3D Movies, it’s easy for your mind to instantly travel to Avatar. Perhaps there are other decent movies featuring this technology–Life of Pi came to one writer’s mind–but Avatar is the clear winner.
Remember that word “potential” that’s been strewn about this article? It’s baaaaaack!
Scarface is the gangster poster boy. Yes, there are some better gangster movies out there. AFI even lists their top 10 films of the genre. Scarface isn’t even the only movie that has the word “Scarface” in the title. But the praise this movie gets is warranted, even if it was plenty blown up by every rapper’s MTV Cribs episode showcasing the iconic poster of the film.
We can say that Scarface wasn’t the peak of Al Pacino’s potential, but the movie is adored for whatever reason’s a fan chooses, so it’s hard to argue that it has merits. 3D Movies, contrarily, has apparently squandered its true ability to showcase movies in dynamic ways. One, maybe two movies that have made it worthwhile? Think about how many commercials and trailers for films you see on TV or the internet any given day. How many of them scream at you to go see their film in 3D?
Many that see Scarface come away pleased. Even the late Roger Ebert gave the movie four stars. Perhaps he was part of the hype machine, but he did do this for a living. 3D movies tend to take extra money out of your wallet and give you nothing in return. Tony Montana was a known criminal, but 3D movie technology is the real crook.
ADVANCE
3D “The third dimension is apparently disappointment” MOVIES
Pierce Hawthorne (2) vs. “The Beatles on iTunes” Announcement (6)
Racist Disappointment vs. Scheduled Dud
Community is not what it used to be. Yes, it’s the same cast and mostly the same crew–Dan Harmon being the big takeaway–but the spirit seems to have been drained. As previously stated, the combined misuse of the potential (there it is again!) of Pierce Hawthorne and cantankerous Chevy Chase behind the character has led to a black hole in a show where personal growth is seen every episode. Well, unless it’s Pierce-centric.
In the same vein as Community’s sense of spirit and hope, we have Apple fans. These are people whose church is silver, pristine, and expensive, but their iGods could do no wrong. Well, until they announced The Beatles on iTunes with great fanfare and little fan joy. It’s the ultimate tease. There was a figurative blueball epidemic among Apple fans that day.
But the difference here is that Pierce has had chances to redeem himself, and he’s done so on a few occasions. His rare generosity hits hard, especially when it comes to Annie, and he’s seen the error of his ways, usually during season finales when it’s most convenient. He is grossly underutilized as a kooky but sometimes-wise old man, but there are moments of light shining through the hate.
Apple, on the other hand, can’t take back the hype they put behind their Beatles/iTunes announcement. They had one shot, and they blew it like Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom. There will be more announcements and products from the ghost of Steve Jobs, but former bright eyes now have a hint of distrust behind them.
ADVANCE
BEATLES “Worst marriage since Yoko Ono” ITUNES
And there we have it! Each bracket is down to their championship round. Here’s how each group of 8 dwindled to 2. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)
Remember to come back next week to cast your ballot for who will win the All the Marbles Tournament. We’ll see you then!