All the Marbles: End 8

Here we are, my friends: the end of the road. It’s up to you to determine who will thrive and who will dive. For a refresher on how the latest round unfolded, check here.

Here’s what we’re asking from you:

VOTE! Click on the poll below each battle, write out your thoughts in the comments, or even relay your decision on our Facebook page.
Decide on strength of argument. Yes, it’s likely that some contestants would beat another in head-to-head combat, but that’s not our focus. That’s why each bracket has its own trait: Badass for BAC, Intelligence for IQA, Vileness for EVL, and a combination of being Overhyped and Overrated for DNF.
Enjoy!

BAC FINAL BATTLE

Axe Cop (2) vs. Fridtjof Nansen (8)

Axe Cop:

via TRO

Malachi Nicolle, now an 8-year-old, saw his figments come to a semi-concrete life when his brother Ethan decided to use Malachi’s musings to practice artwork. Instead of hiding these drawings away, Ethan chose to share the story of Axe Cop and his friends with the internet.

The insane number of feats that Axe Cop has accomplished grows with every episode of Ask Axe Cop or Axe Cop Presents. I’ve mentioned several powers and escapades that the mustachioed officer has wielded and partaken in, but the one mountain that Axe Cop has conquered that I hadn’t discussed yet: bonding two people who had nothing in common but blood.

Malachi and Nicolle, 5 and 29 at the beginning of Axe Cop, are brothers. I tried to keep up with my own brother three years older than me, but even that age gap seemed to widen at certain points in our lives. Imagine a 24 year gap. While I’d be intrigued what insight a 5-year-old has on Dora’s relationship with Swiper, it would be difficult for me to find anything but a tenuous connection.

But Malachi has the imagination that many professional creative types bury. His is truly unbridled. It’s a force of invention and innovation that many of us haven’t experienced in ages. And now we get to relive our days of running around as cops and robbers, princes and princesses, and all the superheroes we could dream up thanks to Malachi.

How badass is the ability to warm the heart and invigorate the mind?

But you came here for headchopping, and who am I to rob you of that joy?

We’ve delved into what Axe Cop does for work and the good of the world, but what does a man like that do for fun?

Pranks. Pranks?

On their day off, Axe Cop and Dinosaur Cop wanted to have a “Funny Day.” This gave them the desire to prank, but pulling shenanigans in present-day seemed played out, so they jumped back to the time of Vikings.

Sorry, Fridtjof.

The Brother Cops idea of a good prank? Swinging the axe by a rope to chop off the vikings’ heads. Yes, even the magic viking! Axe and Dinosaur (soon-to-be Viking) Cop were rolling in laughter, as were the vikings. Well, their heads were. Maybe not so much in laughter, though.

After tricking pirates to their death and causing their bodies to dance to the music a la Weekend at Bernie’s II and making astronauts flop like tuna, the Cop duo decided to end the day by inviting a bunch of clowns to a massive party.

Then Axe Cop poisoned a bunch of clowns. Clowns that were also robbers. Poisoned them as a prank. Then they threw the clown bodies in the trash where they belonged.

Defeating vikings, tricking pirates to their death, and ridding the world of plenty of evil, evil clowns as part of a day of joviality? Most of us would need a day off after that.

Not Axe Cop. Back to work.

Fridtjof Nansen:

For a moment, let’s turn away from arguing for him, and let Nansen himself speak.

“In the Capitoline Museum in Rome is a sculpture in marble which, in its simple pathos, seems to me to be a most beautiful creation. It is the statue of the “Dying Gaul”. He is lying on the battlefield, mortally wounded. The vigorous body, hardened by work and combat, is sinking into death. The head, with its coarse hair, is bowed, the strong neck bends, the rough powerful workman’s hand, till recently wielding the sword, now presses against the ground in a last effort to hold up the drooping body.

He was driven to fight for foreign gods whom he did not know, far from his own country. And thus he met his fate. Now he lies there, dying in silence. The noise of the fray no longer reaches his ear. His dimmed eyes are turned inward, perhaps on a final vision of his childhood home where life was simple and happy, of his birthplace deep in the forests of Gaul.

That is how I see mankind in its suffering; that is how I see the suffering people of Europe, bleeding to death on deserted battlefields after conflicts which to a great extent were not their own.

This is the outcome of the lust for power, the imperialism, the militarism, that have run amok across the earth. The golden produce of the earth has been trampled under iron feet, the land lies in ruins everywhere, and the foundations of its communities are crumbling. People bow their heads in silent despair. The shrill battle cries still clamor around them, but they hardly hear them anymore. Cast out of the lost Eden, they look back upon the simple basic values of life. The soul of the world is mortally sick, its courage broken, its ideals tarnished, and the will to live gone; the horizon is hazy, hidden behind burning clouds of destruction, and faith in the dawn of mankind is no more.”

These are the words of a man who felt the horrors of the world as keenly as his own heartbeat. And, instead of turning away as so many did, he stood.

From adolescence, Nansen had decided to push forward and conquer whatever there was to be conquered—the mountains of Norway, the competition in sport, the impenetrable heart of Greenland. The frozen reaches of the North Pole, the mysteries of science and the human body, the terror, famine, and injustice of war. His body and mind were honed to face the most treacherous of landscapes. His heart knew no fear, whether of the great beasts lurking in the northern wastelands or of the great machine of human evil. He had brawn, brains, compassion, a functioning moral compass, artistic skill, a hunger for knowledge and adventure, and for justice and peace.

And, on top of all that, he was real, not a character drawn from the imagination. He, truly, represents badassery in its most perfect form.

VOTE!

IQA FINAL BATTLE

Leonardo da Vinci (1) vs. Atticus Finch (6)

Leonardo da Vinci:

Atticus Finch is, undoubtedly, one of the best, most upright characters to have ever come out of 20th century literature. The author promoting his argument in this tourney was honest and just when he said, “Medicine has Hippocrates, Aviation has the Wright Brothers, and Lawyers have Atticus Finch. He may be a fictional character, but he represents all that is right in man. He equates intelligence with courage and character, showcasing how living up to one value inherently requires living up to the others.”

However, no matter how deeply rooted into our hearts he is, Atticus Finch is, simply, a fictional character. How much more tolerable the world would be if he existed, and more like him, but it seems most of his kind have fallen from memory, either because their circle of influence was too small to have been noticed or because they do not exist.

Leonardo da Vinci’s genius is tangible. His is a name that people the world over know—a name familiar in more tongues than into which To Kill a Mockingbird has been translated. The faces he painted are instantly recognizable 500 years after he set down his brush for the last time. The Mona Lisa is “the best known, the most visited, the most written about, the most sung about, the most parodied work of art in the world,” as argued by John Lichfield. He is one of the first historical figures children are introduced to in school—he intrigues the minds of adults thanks to works like The Da Vinci Code.

The world which may have been if he never existed is simply unfathomable—that is the extent of his genius. There are few areas of study which he did not have some impact on, from art to medicine, astronomy to international politics. It is not implausible to argue that every person today has been influenced or affected by something sprung from the mind of da Vinci. Five hundred years later we know his name and his achievements, and five hundred years from now we will, still. He is not a character in one of the 50 most influential books of all time. He is one of the most influential people of all time. One single man out of countless billions.

Atticus Finch:

Truthfully, there is not much more that can be said about Atticus, so instead I will tell a true story.

This past summer, I worked as an intern on the defense of a murder trial. I saw the defense attorney vigorously defend her client against overzealous prosecutors and a judge known for letting the State do whatever it wanted. Despite having no proof and no evidence for each element of the crime, the jury came back with a verdict of “Guilty.” Without going into great detail on the trial itself, it should suffice that the defense attorney was heartbroken. It was a case she had been defending for over a decade as State, and circumstance fought against her.

When she returned to the office, the other lawyers in the office applauded her and handed her a small award.

Do you know what that award was called? The Atticus Finch Award. It was given to the defense attorney for putting up the good fight, despite the effort and odds. It was the office’s highest honor.

Da Vinci is undeniably talented and one of the quintessential men of history, but Atticus Finch stands for every imaginable type of intelligence. His social intelligence allows his garner the remarkable respect of his contemporaries, his intellectual intelligence places his at the forefront of his community, his emotional intelligence makes him reasoned and a wonderful parent; and, most importantly, he represents the highest level of moral intelligence that a man can exhibit. He is above the Id and Ego. He is the Super Ego, the ultimate expression of character and moral evolution. Da Vinci was a man, but Atticus is our symbol of what we can become.

Da Vinci was popular during his life, but he did not receive the pseudo saint-like status he holds until after death. Throughout his life, he was dependent on the welfare and commission of the rich and powerful. Many of his contemporaries were deemed his equals, like Raphael and Michelangelo, and most of Da Vinci’s inventions were flawed and failures. For all of his love of life, Da Vinci is known to have doodled and designed numerous weapons, although thankfully none ever worked.

Atticus lived an intelligent life by contrast. He was beholden to no man and often forgave or discounted legal fees owned to him to help those in his community. He raised two kids while maintaining a successful practice, and the whole community, even those who disagreed with him, had tremendous respect for him and everything he stood for.

In hindsight, we can appreciate Da Vinci and all he did, but within meeting Atticus for the first time we can immediately understand his gravitas and intelligence. We know immediately that this is a man who truly is the best of us.

One day when I tell my son or daughter who was the most intelligent man that ever existed, I shall hand them a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird. “Atticus Finch” will be my answer, and when you think about it, shouldn’t that be yours, too?

VOTE!

EVL FINAL BATTLE

Nuclear Bombs (2) vs. Commodus (4)

Nuclear Bombs:

Last round, I talked about how nuclear bombs are more terrifying than Ghengis Khan and his hordes. Commodus was another tyrant who ruled most, if not all, of the known world. Sure, the argument could be made that Commodus was more efficient than Khan, but unless you’re staring at the business end of a 300-page efficiency report, no one ever considered efficiency “evil.”

So let’s count up what makes Commodus evil:

Regicide. Agreed, killing people is generally frowned upon, but there were times when killing a king or emperor would have been considered the height of heroism. For instance, 18th century France. Had Commodus killed his father during the Revolution, he would probably be a hero of the Committee of Public Safety rather than a reviled member of history.

Commodus attempted to create an incestuous relationship with his sister? While that’s unquestionably gross, it’s pretty limited as far as harm goes. His sister wouldn’t thank him, but it doesn’t affect anyone else. As I talked about in the first round, a body count of one hardly qualifies him to win the EVL.

Some may argue that cheating in a fight to the death would be evil. Personally, I just think it’s a good decision. What, is winning considered evil now? That’s going to be a pretty tough sell. He felt he had to win the support of the people by entering into the arena against the perpetual thorn in his side. But when the other option is death, it’s just good judgement to cheat.

On the other hand, nuclear weapons have brought only war, death and destruction. Even the uneasy standoffs masquerading as peace they caused were the kind that sent children to hide under desks because the flimsy protection of half an inch of wood is more palatable than the naked; if you’re close enough to see the blast, then one way or another, you’re going to die.

Commodus at least gave you the opportunity to win his favor. Nuclear bombs keep us constantly on the brink of a nuclear apocalypse.

Commodus:

As we begin the final showdown of awful between Commodus and Nukes, you the reader might be wondering why I picked Commodus out of all the movie villains.

The answer is simple. Because there is nothing about him to like.

It’s true that most movie villains do terrible things, but most of them have something to be admired. Some are charming. Some are great warriors. Others are insanely intelligent. Commodus is none of these things.

He creepily tries to woo his own sister and smothers his own father to death.

He has the innocent family of a man murdered. Which, as I think about it, makes no sense, because even if the soldiers came back without Maximus, they could easily say he was killed in battle or something. That means the family murder, rape and crucifixtion is just done out of spite.

He relishes the bloodlust of the gladiator fights and behaves like a fifteen year old boy.

And he leads so poorly that a slave nearly stages a rebellion against him. What stops this rebellion? A child unintentionally lets it slip! So only by dumb luck does Commodus avoid a full coup d’etat.

When he has his enemy on a platter and every reason to kill him, his own need for attention and approval leads him to face off against the greatest warrior in Rome. Not that he’ll do that honorably. Instead, he stabs him in the lung and still loses to a man fighting with one arm. Does his cowardice end there? Nope. He then begs his guards for a sword and receives only refusal, because–seriously–enough is enough. Men who swore loyalty to the emperor of Rome refuse to help him. Commodus lives, fights, and dies a coward.

Now we get to Commodus’ opponent: nukes. The destructive power of nukes is unparalleled, but they have one major weakness. Someone has to press the button.

When World War III occurs, nukes might be the weapon of choice, but it’s human incompetence, insanity, or pride that will lead to a missile launch. That’s why every doomsday scenario involving nuclear weapons in any movie or TV show involves some sort of madman or terrorist taking control of a warhead. Since both the Soviets and US (and others) developed nuclear arsenals, any sane person understands nuclear war means everyone loses.

That’s why many people are freaking out about North Korea. North Korea’s current posturing does not seem like the work of a sane individual. It sounds like a young man trying to prove himself to his father…..much like Commodus.

Technology can always be used for good or evil. It all comes down to the man that wields it. Nukes are a frightening proposition, but they need to be in the hands of a madman who “would butcher the whole world” for daddy’s approval to before they become terrifying. Commodus is that man.

VOTE!

DNF FINAL BATTLE

3D Movies (1) vs. “The Beatles on iTunes” Announcement (6)

3D Movies:

via xk9

Disappointment depends on your expectations. There are few hype machines as potent as Apple’s, and the fact that they can convince people to throw away perfectly functional electronics every couple of years proves the point.

They really went into hyperdrive before announcing that the Beatles’ music would be available for purchase on iTunes and pretty much everyone thought it would be Big News™. We all braced ourselves to have our worlds shaken but instead found ourselves silently mouthing “wait, what?”

3D movies have been promised since 1852 (when the first anaglyph image was developed). Just to be clear, that’s 161 years of hype. I don’t think that anything short of fully holographic video could possibly live up that that type of build-up. And maybe not even that!

Maybe it says something about our priorities as a society — societies really, given how long we’re talking about — that we still haven’t given up on the idea of fully three-dimensional movies. Even if it does, the closest thing we have now just leaves us wanting more.

Beatles/iTunes:

One time and one chance. You can’t announce something several different times and in different ways until you get the feel right. If you want to reveal pertinent information, you better do it to the scale that it deserves.

How many times can I legitimately rant above the way Apple botched the “day you’ll never forget” without rehashing the same points?

Apple readied fans for a massive announcement.
Fans began emptying their bank accounts so they could wave paper money at Steve Jobs.
Apple revealed that The Beatles and their music collection would be available via iTunes.
Fans used said money to wipe up tears of anguish and snot of rage.

But there’s one point that really just trumps everything already stated:

Apple had actually posted their Beatles collection a half hour before their “life-changing” announcement. The people who saw the clocks on Apple’s website and their iTunes application but grew impatient would’ve essentially had the music fall off the e-truck for them.

Going to a park on Independence Day and setting up your area in preparation of fireworks only to be told they’ve been cancelled. Waiting for your favorite band to hit the stage when they announce that the drummer OD’d on cough drops. Biting into an ice cream cake and expecting the chocolate fudge and brownie crunch in the middle and receiving only a brain freeze and disappointment.

That’s what Apple did to us.

VOTE!